depression

I was at work today and talking to a colleague when I heard myself say, ‘When I was suicidal…’

I never imagined I would say (or think) those words.  Until the age of 29, I had had a pretty ordinary life.  A few ups and downs (getting kicked out of home as a rebellious 19-year-old amongst them), relationship failures, a pregnancy scare, etc.  Nothing unheard of.  Like many, I bounced back from these and other events pretty well.

However, in the last couple of years, various things happened which sent me into a downward spiral.  My dad died after being very ill with leukaemia.  I wrote a car off in an accident that still causes nightmares.  My career, paradoxically, took off, and I ended up in a much more responsible job, while having a micromanaging hairy wildebeast with PMS as my manager.  At age 32, SO had to see a cardiologist for possible cardiac problems.  He also had his arthritis meds changed, resulting in the need for a biweekly subcutaneous injection, which I had to administer.  The med change didn’t work, and he was in pain and lost flexibility before he changed back.  There were other things, but I think they’re the main ones.

Anyhow, all of this combined to send me into a prolonged bout of clinical depression.  It culminated in September last year, when I lost the capacity to feel anything.  I felt numb.  Realising this wasn’t normal or a good sign, I started seeing a psychologist.  While this helped, it wasn’t enough.

Eventually I was referred to a psychiatrist, who after an hour and a half said to me, ‘Well no wonder you feel suicidal – your meds (Effexor, 300mg) aren’t actually addressing your depression’.  To say it was a Eureka moment is understated.  I had been on Effexor for nearly a year at that point.

I changed meds from Effexor to Lexapro (escilatopram) 20mg, and while I feel better, I look back on last year with deep fear.  I have never in my life been suicidal before, and having been in that dark land, I never want to go back again.  I’m praying that the care I’m taking of myself, the drop down to part time hours, the regular psychologist appointments, will all help to ward off a return.