temporary insanity?

Long time no post.  We’ve had lots on with the units, work, etc. as you may have guessed.  The only reason I’m writing tonight is because I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll never really shake off this depression.  That I’ll always come back to feeling horribly, physically sick in the stomach from fear and anxiety.  That it will end up driving away SO, the love of my life.  That I won’t be able to work full-time without spending all my non-work hours trying to recover from the demands of being productive for eight hours a day, five days a week.  That a relapse will always hover in the shadows, at the edge of my peripheral vision, waiting for the moment to strike.

I’m scared that if I ever have children, it will make me a neglectful mother, out of sheer incapacity.  I’m scared that I will end up seeing suicide as a better option than the alternative, just to escape the constant pain in my head.  I’m scared that I will end up isolated and alone, as my friends and family slowly lose patience with the wreck that is my depressed self.

I’m scared that I’ll never be able to count on thinking clearly and rationally when I need to.  I’m scared that every time I get tired, due to the demands of life or just not enough sleep, I’m at risk of triggering a rapid decline into incapacity. 

I hate living with depression, but I also hate the fear and dread that is part and parcel of mental illness.  It eats away at your self-esteem, as you realise that you can’t always cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs.  Your personality changes until you look in the mirror and don’t recognise yourself.  I was never fearful of life before, but depression has given me a glimpse of how an ordinary life can become unbearable, through no fault of my own, or anybody else’s.

All I want is to be convinced that it will be okay, and I will be okay.