dad

I woke up a couple of nights ago. It was some time in the early hours of the morning. I felt very strongly that my dad was with me, and smiling. I had an overwhelming sense of comfort and peace, and I smiled back, rolled over, and went back to sleep happy.

I just wanted to get this down so I remember it always.

current mental health status: good

I’ve been looking back through my recent posts, over the last week or so, and I’ve noticed that not one of them contains any depression-linked content.  Interesting.  Coincidentally, (or not so much, perhaps) I’ve been on leave for the last week.  There’s got to be a link in there somewhere.

Also, I’ve been much more mentally active than I usually am.  When I’m working, I get home from a day in the office and collapse into my chair, open my laptop and spend the evening mindlessly browsing the net.  There’s very little brain activity.  It’s almost like I get home and the brain says, ‘Great! Downtime!’  This extends to pretty basic stuff, like writing cheques out and doing basic housework.  There’s no planning ahead either.  Who has the energy for that?!

On the other hand, this last week or so, I’ve been getting up to date on bill paying and general organisational stuff.  I’ve done a heap of things, including managing a seamless transition from a current tenant to new tenants, with only two days’ vacancy, and at very short notice.  I’ve begun cleaning up this hovel we live in.  I’ve also started thinking ahead about things – what to do next in terms of investment, how long to wait before buying another property, what to do with the current ones (including our home), etc, etc.  It’s almost like, when I’m not working, I have the mental space to take care of these kinds of things.  This worries me.  I hate to think that I can either a) work or b) function well in other parts of my life, but not do both at once.

So what is it that’s giving me the ability to do all this stuff?  It’s not as simple as saying, ‘well, you’re not at work, so you have more time’.  This is undeniably partly true.  However, it’s just not that simple.  For example, I’ve been able to have a nap every day.  This has made a huge difference, not only in my ability to do things, but also in my mood.  I’ve not felt overwhelmed or hopeless or dispairing once.  I see the tasks that need to be done, but instead of feeling like I just can’t do them, I have a feeling of quiet confidence that I will get them done.  This is how I used to feel all the time, prior to becoming depressed.  Plus, I’ve been more happy generally.

Anyhow, this is an incredibly boring and introspective post, but I wanted to get it down for comparative purposes and future reference.  Turns out that when I’m not working, I feel great.  Now I just need to win Lotto to be able to maintain my mental health.

nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice

You’d think I’d learn.  But apparently, this is not the case.

Now that our final reno is nearly completed, my mind has been wandering.  Well, that’s no different to normal, but it’s been wandering towards – yep, you guessed it! – what we could do to upgrade our home.  This would serve two purposes.  The first is that the gap between our dreams and the reality would be narrowed.  The second is that it would increase the property’s market value, and therefore our equity.  This would mean we could buy another property, but that’s an idea for another post.

Anyhow, in no particular order, the ‘upgrades’ list I have so far is as follows:

• redo tiling (with what, I’m not quite sure, but the current tiles were laid by a blind man…. not that I have anything against blind men, just when they do the tiling in my house);
• redo the bathrooms;
• replace all lights, inside and out;
• redo the kitchen;
• increase the storage space, both in the linen closet, and generally (use the ceiling cavity, maybe?)
• new shed with peaked roofline and window (SO’s wish);
• close in the carport;
• replace the back and front glass sliding doors with French doors;
• install solar hot water panels.

I have no doubt that more ideas will spring to mind, but that’s a decent start, don’t you think?  Now I need to discuss further with SO, so we can decide 1) the order of priority, and 2) costings.

I do love a project, I must admit.  SO, on the other hand, has retreated in fear to the study.  Poor darling.

landlord trials and tribulations

Well, this week was supposed to be a week of R&R, where SO and I kicked back and relaxed, maybe did a little gardening, had sleep ins, followed by late breakfasts where we lovingly gazed into each others’ eyes….. Yeah, not so much.  SO has spent most of his time at our final renovation, doing the last minute but integral stuff that needs to happen before our prospective new tenants move in.  (Stuff like wiring up the hot plate, installing the washing machine, you know, the little things that matter.)

I’ve spent most of my time at home, furiously hemming curtains (by hand, no less), organising tenant viewings for our two units that will be vacant as of this weekend, and doing lots of paperwork.  It appears I’ve just ignored the last six weeks’ worth of bills, etc. that have arrived.  Multiply this by four (the total number of properties we have) and that’s a hell of a lot of cheque-writing you’re talking about.  Now that that’s finished, I feel an unreasonable sense of pride in myself.

So yes, so much for quality time.  However, having tenants lined up to move into our vacant units is a great relief.  Unless something goes wrong, we’ll be signing up one couple tonight, and the other couple this weekend.  That said, I’ve learned in our short time as landlords that things can, and often do, go wrong at the last dying moment.  I’ve also learned that you can think you have a tenant lined up, but they can change their minds.  It’s most inconvenient.

Anyhow, hopefully in a couple of hours’ time, we’ll have a signed lease and bond, and we will be able to relax a bit.  Hopefully.

is it something in the water?!

Woooo.  My head is whirling.

My friend L is 14 weeks’ pregnant.  This is fantastic – she and her hubby A have been trying for about a year, so it’s great news, and they’re very happy.  She only told me a couple of weeks ago, when she saw me, so it’s all fairly new to me.

L is the younger sister of M.  I met M in Year 8.  We shared a homeroom and Italian class together, and we’ve been friends ever since.  Anyhow, at girls’ dinner tonight, M informs us that a) she’s 6 weeks’ pregnant, and b) she and her lovely man J are now engaged.

Apparently, they had decided to try getting pregnant, and when they did, they’d get engaged.  Guess who fell pregnant in their first month of trying?!

As I said, my head’s whirling.  I hope my mother doesn’t get any funny ideas that this means I’ll be trying to fall pregnant too.  This is definitely not in the plan, at least for a while.

L’s baby is due on April 1 (yes, we all laughed too).  M’s baby is due, well, eight weeks afterwards.  I sense there are a lot of discussions about episiotemies and perineums in my future.

good news, bad news

We had a viewing of our renovated apartment this weekend just gone and had not one, but two desirable applicants.  So we shall shortly have the ability to pay that particular mortgage.  Yay!!

However, I had a phone call this morning from one of our other tenants.  He has been unemployed since July, and is now having to break his lease.  I’m sorry this has happened – he is a really lovely guy, no trouble at all, keeps the unit very clean, and despite being out of work, has paid his rent on time every single week.  So, back to advertising property again.  <sigh>

Still, at least we won’t have to do anything to the unit this time, as it’s been kept so well.  That’s a good thing.  Plus we should be able to have it open this weekend, if our tenant is okay with that (and I’m sure he will be, he’s very obliging).

Wish us luck!

renovations: the final countdown

Our neverending reno is finally coming to an end.  There are still some things to go, but they are relatively minor.  We’re having a home open on the weekend, and there are already some people who are coming by to have a look.

So, time for photos!  The kitchen on the day of vacant possession (22 March 2008):

and the kitchen as of tonight:

The bathroom as of 22 March:

and the new bathroom, again taken tonight:

So yes, it’s a major difference.  I have to say, it looks spectacular.  I’m happy with it.  In terms of outcomes, I’d give it a 3/10 for timeliness, and a 7/10 for finish.  However, in terms of useability (particularly when compared with what was there beforehand) I’d give it 10/10.  There is an enormous amount of storage space now, and the kitchen has downlights over all working areas.  We’ve even included a washing machine, strategically placed in the kitchen, so that the communal laundry doesn’t need to be used by our tenants.  How’s that for useable?!

I’m feeling pretty happy with the work we’ve done on it.  I think comparing the before and after photos really illustrates what a difference we’ve made.  Plus, there’s the issue of the increase in value.  I’d say that having spent about $10, 000 in total, we’ve probably increased the value of the unit by about $30,000.  Not a bad return on our investment.

So now all we need to do is plan our next renovation, and I’ll be happy.

what is recovery?

This is something that has been on my mind a fair bit lately.

I don’t know what recovery from depression actually entails.  Does it mean – feeling like I did for 28 years of my life? Or ‘having a good day’ as I have now – doing okay, staying calm, and needing 15 hours’ sleep?  Or am I in recovery as I write, with a balance of ‘good days’ and not so good days?  (‘good days’ in quotes, because they just don’t touch my pre-depression real good days.) 

Will it include drugs? Or therapy? A better lifestyle?  My brother, for example, knows that to maintain a non-depressed state, he needs to exercise vigourously for at least five days of the week.  Any less than that, and he starts to sink into the abyss.

I wish I knew.  If nothing else, I would then have a better grasp as to how I’m going in myself.  Generally I feel okay; I can think okay, I function pretty well most days, and I’m coping okay with a fair amount of stress (see post from a couple of days ago on our very slow renovation for more details).  I call my mother, I see friends, I manage to produce work of sufficiently high standard to escape censure, and, in some instances, earn praise.

But there are the other things that make me wonder whether I am actually getting better, or, indeed, if this is as good as it gets.  Like never really feeling on top of the world, which I used to feel regularly.  Like the fact I can easily sleep 15 hours a day, day after day.  The fact that, when I’m tired, I lose the ability to function.  Tiredness strongly affects my ability to get up and think straight.  For example, I had a really bad night’s sleep last night (due to stress-induced insomnia - another side effect of my depression) and woke up this morning and thought: I just can’t do it.  I called in sick.

So many questions.  I wish I had a better idea as to what ‘recovery’ really means.  To be honest, I hope that it means more than what I’m currently living.  Life is okay at the moment, and some parts of it are wonderful – SO, my family and friends, even stuff like finally finishing a renovation and getting a tenant into it.  But a lot of the day to day stuff is hard work, just to live through.  So yeah, I’m hoping that life gets better – even just a little bit better.  It would make such a difference, the difference between existing and living.

tired

I’m knackered.  I have no idea why.  However, it might be something to do with the fact I’ve spent all afternoon weeding (yes, still weeding.  Never buy a corner block with sweeping lawns – you’ll regret it).  At least the gardens are starting to come under the title ‘dilapidated’ as opposed to ‘poor white trash’. 

I actually spent most of the time weeding the front path.  The weeds there were more than ankle-high.  Not a good look!  I also weeded one of the front garden beds, and the back lawn.  While this sounds impressive, the back lawn is approximately the size of a hanky, so it’s not that big an ask.  Anyhow, it’s all looking much better.

The weekend has gone so fast, yet again.  We bought a table and chairs for $100 yesterday, which we’re really happy with.  It’s the right size and it’s in perfect condition.  Yay for bargain hunting!  We also spent a fair bit of time at the unit, doing various things.  I could actually contribute, too – I put the handles on the kitchen cupboard doors.  Never say I’m not handy with a screwdriver!

It seems incredible that people are expected to get everything done over two days of the week.  Two days is not enough to do everything, let alone do stuff like relax, and see people.  Oh well, I shouldn’t complain – at lest I’m able to work fulltime.  At the moment, anyhow,

Ugh, falling asleep.  Gotta go.

stress and relationships

SO is currently under a lot of stress.

It’s primarily related to our final unit’s renovation.  It’s been going on since late March this year.  This is a one-bedroom unit.  Unfortunately, because we took a friend up on his offer to redo the bathroom and kitchen, the reno is still going.  And going.  And going.

As a result, SO has been working nights and every weekend since March on renovations.  He’s exhausted, stressed by the lack of rental income, stressed by the uncertainty of when this renovation will be finally finished, stressed because our ‘friend’ refuses to answer his phone or return our calls….

He’s sinking back into the apathetic dispair which turned into depression last year.  He says he’s not depressed, but he’s manifesting pretty significant signs of a relapse.  He’s avoiding everything, he’s sleeping badly, he’s grumpy.  He loses his temper easily.  He feels like there’s nothing to look forward to.  He can’t motivate himself to do anything, and feels guilty about it.

I’m worried about him.  And I hate our ‘friend’ for causing this anguish, and wearing out my darling, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I can’t believe somebody being unreliable could cause so many problems and destroy someone’s mental health the way it has.