ugh

I found out this afternoon that my 91-year-old nana, my dad’s mum, is in hospital with renal failure.  As soon as I found out, I called a couple of hospitals, and was put through to her room at the second one (I didn’t know which hospital she was at).  The poor old thing, she cut me off, something medical was going on and she couldn’t talk.  She sounded distressed, too.  My brother and I will go and see her probably tomorrow night after work.

I feel so confused and so many things at the moment.  After I found out, and spoke to nana and my brother, I felt – strange.  I actually couldn’t identify exactly how I felt.  I seemed to feel, well, odd.  It was all so confusing that I just sat at my desk, trying to work out how I felt, and why.  I can’t remember the last time I couldn’t pick how I felt, or the reasons why.

Anyhow, I finally worked it out.  What I was feeling was – relief.

I love my nana.  She and my father are/were so alike, in looks, but also in attitude and personality.  And she’s lovable in her own right.  So why on earth do I have this unsettled feeling of relief?  Well, I think it’s because even though she’s probably on a downhill slope to the grave, and she’s unhappy – I think it’s because I’ve realised that when she dies, I will be upset.  But it’s not going to be like when my dad died.  I’ll be sad, but not completely devastated.

Of course, this explains the relief.  But I feel like a piece of shit that I feel relief around the idea of my nana possibly dying.  Hence, my confusion.

And in other unrelated stuff – I suddenly remembered tonight that about a week and a half ago, I dreamt that my friend M had a miscarriage.  It was a bad dream, and I even mentioned it to SO the next day, it was so unpleasant and unsettling.  Then, of course, she did lose the baby.  I know my dream didn’t cause it to happen – but it’s a horrible coincidence.

UGH.  I just feel like I can’t process all of this at once.