weekend

It’s hard to believe that it’s already Sunday night.  The weekend has flown by, not that it feels like we’ve done much.  Apart from the usual cooking and cleaning, I did make a couple more pillowslips.  SO has a big wavy pillow, so no normal slip fits it, and I like satin pillowslips as they’re more gentle on my hair.  I’ve made these for ages, pretty much as long as we’ve been together, and I really like them.  SO doesn’t care either way, of course, typical guy.

I had bought some beautiful very pale blue charmeuse, so I whipped a couple of pillowslips up out of that.  Combined with our new doona cover, it’s completely changed the look of our bedroom.  Nice and summery.  SO, god love him, didn’t notice until I asked him what he thought. <rolls eyes>

We spent today gardening.  Now that the front garden is looking better, I attacked the back garden, in particular the little narrow alley around next to the laundry and main bathroom.  I think I’ve got rid of all the big weeds, so there’s just some more finicky weeding that needs to happen.  While I was doing this, SO was spraying our lawn for bindii, a horrible bright-green, prickly little bugger of a weed.  Hopefully that will get rid of it all, it sticks in your bare feet and hurts.  SO did say he wants some plumbago plants down the alleyway again, as there were some there previously, which I transplanted out to the front.  Apparently SO’s missing their flowers when he’s in the bathroom (white and blue, with profuse evergreen foliage).

I”ve been trying to keep an eye on my anxiety, so I have something to report when I next see Dr W on the 25th.  There seems to be a pattern, whereby every second day my anxiety is bad enough that I’m taking either 5mg or 10mg of buspirone (Buspar).  Even as I write this, I’m tossing up whether to take one or not; my anxiety is very high, probably because tomorrow is the start of the work week.  I do try to use the normal relaxing techniques I’ve used all my life, before resorting to meds.  I distract myself, I consciously relax my stomach muscles, I relax my shoulders, and I breathe deeply and meditate.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work.  Hence the meds, I guess.

 

halloween

I love Halloween.  In the southern hemisphere, it’s actually springtime, and the days are getting longer and warmer.  In our neighbourhood, kids go trick or treating, even though it’s a USA tradition, and they’re all excited.  We always make sure we have lots of treats.  SO and I actually were out weeding the front lawn this afternoon, so we got to see all the kids go past, which was great fun.  Plus, it made the time pass a bit quicker.  Weeding the lawn is up there with ironing; it’s a boring task that has to be done.  We’re about halfway there, which is good, as SO’s dad is going to spray the lawn on Monday.

I always make a special dinner for Halloween.  For us it’s Beltane, so we always have a celebration of the season.  Tonight I did roast beef striploin, which had been marinaded, for one and a half hours at 180 degrees C, with roast vegies.  It was absolutely spot on, the meat was pink and tender and delicious.  SO cleared his plate without saying a word, always a good sign.  It’s nice when everything all seems to work when you’re cooking.  Roasts of any description are a bit hit and miss with me, I did a lamb roast the other week and SO was not happy with how pink the lamb was.  It was fine, but he didn’t like it, and I hate having to convince people to eat my food. 

Anyhow, today was a good day.  As well as weeding, I returned a heap of stuff to Ikea, Target, Kmart, Spotlight – all stuff I’d bought at different points which had been the wrong colour, size, shape, you name it.  And I managed to get to Medicare to get some money back from my appt with Dr W, which I then promptly spent on some new tee shirts for me, and a new casual shirt for SO.  I also fit in an afternoon nap, always a priority on the weekend.

I picked up the buspirone tablets on Thursday night and gave them a try on Friday.  While the 5mg helped, I can see I’ll need the 10mg dose.  That’s fine, at least I know now what I’ll need.  And the good thing is it really doesn’t impact on anything else.  No side effects to speak of.  I was still alert and didn’t feel nauseous or anything.  So far, I’m liking them.  I even took one yesterday afternoon before leaving work, as I was feeling sick with stress and wanted to help wind down for the weekend.  It definitely helped.  Today, I feel absolutely fine.  Not stressed at all.  It’s pretty clear that work is the issue, but at least I am able to leave it behind on weekends.

As far as I know, no plans for tomorrow, other than more gardening.  I love getting out there, it’s so satisfying.

day something or other/gardening

Okay, I’ve been neglectful again.  I’m sure this comes as no surprise to regular readers.

I’m going okay on the meds.  Up to 30mgs, as of last Monday, so six days now.  Haven’t noticed the increased dosage has made much of a difference, though.  Maybe I need to up it to 40mgs?  Who knows.  In any case, I’m seeing my pdoc on Wednesday, so I can check with a medical professional, rather than guesstimate it myself. 

I’m noticing that while I do still get stressed on fluoxetine, more so than escitalopram, I do have more energy.  I’m not needing a sleep after work every day, or at lunch time.  I’m not needing a nap on weekends.  Today, for example, I was up at 7am, spent all morning running around doing shopping etc, then gardened all afternoon.  I did have a nap, but only for an hour, and I got up and cooked a real dinner (spaghetti bolognese) afterwards.  This is waaaay more energetic than I ever was on the escitalopram.  So yes, my need for sleep has quietened to a dull roar.  While it may still sound like I still need too much sleep, I should point out that I’ve always, always loved my naps, and needed lots of sleep.  With the fluoxetine my need for sleep is about right for me, pre-depression.  So I’m guessing that’s a good thing.

So yes, we spent some time in the garden today.  SO’s stepmum and I planted out a front garden bed, while SO and his dad got some mulch and spread it over the rest of the front garden beds.  It’s amazing how much better the place is looking!  We’ve spent at least one day for the last four or five weekends out there, weeding, planting, fertilising, and hacking back plants.  It’s starting to show - everything looks great.  It makes me really happy to see the gardens looking respectable. 

Things are generally going well, I guess.  While my moods are smoothed out, I’m functioning at a higher level on a daily basis, which is good.  And who knows, an increase in my fluoxetine dose might be just enough to really hit the spot.

gardening/day three

Today was a public holiday, and we put it to good use.  SO and his dad did a fair bit of weeding in our front garden yesterday, so today we followed up by planting new plants (all free, courtesy of the in-laws’ prolific garden), throwing some wettasoil about the place, and fertilizing with sheep poo.  SO and his dad did most of the hard work, while I weeded the lawn and supervised.  SO’s stepmum was also there, giving advice and deadheading various plants that needed it.  After a busy day, the front garden now looks respectable, and hopefully our neighbours will start speaking to us again now that we’re not dragging down the suburb’s property values.

I also visited my mother this morning.  It was all a bit stressful as her fiance J was moving all his stuff in today, so there were family members all over the place helping out, as well as various boxes and furniture, and Mum was not happy.  I find it awfully tough dealing with her when she’s like that as she gets so shrill, it hurts my ears.  And my head.  The good news was, my brother was there, and the moving finished up shortly after I arrived, so we sat down and Mum finally started to calm down.  It took a while, though.  She runs on sheer nervous energy.  However she and my brother are both well (as is J) and it was good to see them.

I’m doing better on the drug switch today.  No nausea or visual disturbances, and I’m still feeling okay (ie. not sinking into the black hole of incapacity to move or think).  I’m also not too short-tempered, which is good.

 Back to work tomorrow.  I’m kind of looking forward to it, and kind of not.

still not sure what’s happening

The title refers to yesterday’s post title.  I think I’m waving, at this stage.

Today I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist, which is (very fortunately for me) tomorrow afternoon.  Thank the gods for whoever cancelled their appointment.  I’m not looking forward to seeing him.  The last appointment I had, he basically said if my current dose (40mg lexapro) didn’t fix it all for me, that I’d need to try something else.  This, of course, means tapering off a (relatively) effective drug, and tapering onto something that may or may not work.  Fun times.

Luckily, today was so busy that I didn’t have any time to dwell on this.  Unfortunately, I spent all of it either dealing with the suicidal manager situation, or the potentially ‘going postal’ psychotic employee.  At least the day went quickly I guess!

So yes, another day survived.  I did something which was therapeutic when I got home, though.  I got into my daggy trackie pants and weeded the front garden bed for about an hour and a half.  I felt great at the end of it.  However the high had worn off by the time I had my shower and a big drink of water, so it’s not a permanent fix; but at least I felt good for that ninety minutes.  It was nice to have that tight fist of anxiety in the pit of my stomach relax for a while.  It’s back now, but I had a break from it, which was good.  I may have to garden every night after work, as a stress relieving tactic, weather permitting.

sunday

Another weekend has been and gone.  I had unit stuff yesterday (viewing for potential new tenants) and afterwards I visited Mum and her man J.  Sounds like it’s getting serious between them – he’s just about living there, they’re planning all kinds of trips overseas, and he’s even redirected his mail to Mum’s place.  If he wasn’t such a lovely man I’d be worried, but he really is just great.  I also can’t believe my mother’s luck in having not one, but two men in her life who will cook for her and run around after her like she’s a princess.  What are the odds?!

I’ve discovered the entire online collection of Peanuts.  This comic strip was formative in my and my brother’s early years.  I had a Snoopy stuffed doll which my brother adopted.  Snoopy (or ‘Noosy’, as A used to refer to him) came with us everywhere for a good couple of years, including on holidays.  We have photos of A asleep in the car, using Noosy as a pillow.  So yes, please have a look at the Peanuts goodness – current favourite strip is here.

While we didn’t get any food shopping done this weekend, we did manage to clean both bathrooms, do some washing, and vacuum the house.  That’s gotta count for something.  Plus, I did some gardening.  The area out the back that we reticulated a few weeks ago, has started sprouting new little weeds all over the place, like a thin fine layer of dust settles inside your house.  So I’ve spent a couple of hours (so far) getting out there and ripping the little buggers up.  I said to SO that if I can do a bit every night after work, it’ll be good for my stress levels, and it’ll probably sort out the weed issue in a week or so.  (Whether this actually happens or not is another story.)

My stress levels are pretty high at the moment.  I can tell from the signals my body’s sending me – feeling sick in the stomach, nervous, agitated, the usual.  It feels like it used to before I got onto Lexapro.  This is not a good thing.  I’m trying to tell myself that I’m just having a bad day, I’m tired, and I’m stressed.  It’ll pass.  Hopefully.  SO noticed I was feeling like crap, so he took me out for lunch.  He bought a couple of continental rolls from the local deli, then drove me to a beach which has a park at the top of it.  We sat there and ate, while watching the families having barbeques and kicking balls around with their kids.  It was beautiful and restful, and just what I needed.  I came back and had a three hour nap, and I’m feeling like I’m more able to cope with life.  Still not 100%, but a lot better than I was.  I think I have the best husband in the whole world.

back to work tomorrow

We’ve had such a good week off.  We did attack the garden, and it looks about a thousand times better.  Before, it was a dirty spot where lawn clippings lived; now, it’s a reticulated (irrigated) garden bed.  It even has a lemon tree in it, if you can call a stick about waist-high with seven leaves a tree.  Well, it will be a tree, some time in the future.  I also did a good deed, and moved a gardenia from the front of the house to the new garden bed.  Poor little thing, it was getting fried by too much sunlight.  Combined with being in a particularly dry part of the garden, where it only received water if the wind blew in the right direction, it was definitely on its way out.  Now it’s in a shaded spot and between two sprinklers.  If it doesn’t improve, out it goes.

We saw Dralion on Friday night.  It was fantastic.  One of the things I always forget about Cirque du Soleil is the beauty of the music.  It takes you to somewhere else.  It was just incredible, the whole show.  And SO indulged me – we had popcorn, and I had not one, but two Cornettos.  Yum!!  Fortunately, this balanced out with the plain raw vegies I had for lunch, so I didn’t really ‘break’ my diet as such – I just kind of stretched the outer limits of it.

It’s just been such a good week.  Every day we’ve woken up at a reasonable hour (never later than 9am) and we’ve had a coffee together.  It’s been such a great way to start the day.  I even cooked dinner every single night (apart from once, when we had take away).  Plus, the fact we sorted out the garden bed is a big bonus.  Every time we look out the back, we both instinctively look over to the right at it.  What can I say, all that hard effort was worth it.  (Well, it was hard effort for SO, who did most of the digging and reticulation stuff.  I mostly weeded and planted.)  Still, these things don’t last forever, and we’re back to the grindstone tomorrow.  Oh well, it’s given us a renewed taste for early retirement, I can tell you.

holidays etc

Mmm, I can feel myself sinking into ‘holiday mode’.  This mainly consists of having afternoon naps, which is pretty much my ideal lifestyle.  I’m also finding myself more interested in cooking.  Tonight, for example, I’ve made up a triple batch of my favourite rissole recipe, so we’ll have some of those together with roast vegies.  Yum!!

SO told me today that we’re going to be going to Dralion this Friday!!  I love Cirque du Soleil productions.  He took me to see Varekai when it was on in Perth, and it was one of the very few happy memories I have from when I was very badly depressed (as in, suicidal).  It was just a wonderful evening.  As I said, it’s a memory I hold close to my heart.  Not only was it wonderful in itself, it also illustrated SO’s love for me, that he took me to something he thought I would enjoy, and he really went all out for it to be fantastic.  I’m so lucky.  So yes, I’m really looking forward to it

In other news, we went shopping for the garden today.  We bought a lemon tree, a Eureka, so I’m happy.  SO and I have an ongoing disagreement about lemon trees.  I think they’re essentially ornamental, with their dark green shiny leaves, white flowers and growing habit.  Plus, they grow lemons!  Our local fruit and vegie shop sells them for $1 each, which is beyond ridiculous for something that grows like a weed.  SO, on the other hand, can’t understand why anyone would bother to own one. 

I present my argument:

How is that not attractive?!

Anyhow, we’ve reached a compromise – rather than put it in the front yard (which is what I wanted, as it gets the most sun) we’re going to put it in the back garden, where we have an empty garden bed.  We also bought some small pot plants, and some other assorted stuff like cow poo, soil improver, etc.  So yes, I got some retail therapy in, and all for less than $100 – not bad.  SO’s not so overjoyed, as he knows he’ll have to reticulate that garden bed before we actually plant anything out, but it should only take him about half a day.  And as I said to him, it’s good to have a project for when we’re on leave, as it makes it feel like we’ve accomplished something.  (I have yet to figure out what my project is – I suspect it’ll be trying to clear the backlog of ironing we have piling up.  Sigh.)

My weight is still very slowly trending downwards.  I’m losing about half a kilo to a kilo per week.  It’s going okay – I try and fit in ‘normal’ eating if I’m out somewhere.  So yesterday, for example, when we were at SO’s dad and stepmum’s for dinner, I relaxed.  I didn’t eat huge amounts, but I did have dessert, and a piece of rocky road afterwards.  There’s no point living on a starvation diet, because there’s no way I’ll be able to maintain it, so I try to relax when we’re out.  I just watch what I eat the next day.  Like I said, so far it’s been both manageable and effective, which is great.  If I lose another seven kilos, I’ll be a size 12 again.  I’m starting to think it’s doable.

update: alive. just.

I went back to the quack’s today, and got the update on what’s wrong with me.  The blood test shows that I have a pretty severe bacterial infection which is treatment resistant, and that the current antibiotics aren’t really doing a lot.  That said, my doc wants me to finish the current course, then start a course of Heavy Duty Antibiotics (HDA), otherwise known as Ciprofloxacin.  The script for these needed approval from Canberra (which the doc got over the phone while I was there). 

Luckily it seems that there isn’t an underlying health issue (like, say, leukaemia), so that’s good.  The doc gave me until the end of next week off, so the current course and the HDA have a chance to work.  This means that I’ve managed to use up my two annual weeks of sick leave in the first two weeks of the year.   I really hope 2009 is an unusually healthy year for me from now on.

One good side effect of this is that I’m losing weight.  Not a huge amount, only about four kilos, but enough.  I’ve just not been hungry, particularly at first.  Now I’m getting a little more hungry, but nothing like normal.  I’m also taking the opportunity to reduce my portion sizes back to more normal proportions.  I worked out that for breakfast every morning, I was having something like four cups of cereal.  The amount considered to be one serve is ¾ cup (according to the side of the box), so this is what I’ve been having.  I figure I may as well shrink my stomach size now while I don’t notice it.

In gardening news, our tomato plants are doing famously.  Most of them are cherry tomatoes, and we haven’t had any fruit fly to speak of (apparently they only attack the full size varieties).  Despite no water while we were away, they thrived and are now producing enough tomatoes to keep us going.  In addition, a number of other tomato plants have sprung up.  Not quite sure what we’ll do with all this produce… any suggestions would be most appreciated.

weekend stuff

I ended up having a pretty good weekend.  I felt better (yay!) and got a fair bit of stuff done.  I even cooked dinner both nights, a major accomplishment.

I went shopping on Saturday, buying a few more bits and pieces for the Christmas appeal, and also picking up a couple of things for SO – a pale blue casual shirt, and some ‘lounge pants’ (I call them pyjama pants, but whatever).  He was delighted with them, which was nice.

Sunday I spent most of the day in the garden.  I weeded the front lawn and the front garden beds, and I even sprayed the rogue lawn that had seeded in the garden.  (It’s far too hardy to just be pulled up, it needs chemicals, unfortunately.)  The back lawn and garden still need a fair bit of work, but at least the part the neighbours see is respectable.  In amongst this I did about six loads of washing.

While I was gardening, SO vacuumed the whole house, and gave it a real spring clean.  He even rearranged the furniture in the family room area.  I’m the kind of person who could have it the same way for my whole life and not think about it, but every so often he likes to move things around a bit.  Anyhow I came in from outside, and I was pleasantly surprised by the new configuration.  And also the fact the house had actually been vacuumed.

So yes, a good weekend. 

Being back at work was a funny feeling.  I just came in and put my head down, and before I knew it, it was lunchtime, and then time to leave.  If only every day went so quickly!  I celebrated by coming home and having a three-hour nap.  I woke up at about 9pm, had some food, and now I’m relaxing, waiting for my antibiotic to be absorbed, before I go back to bed.  Yes, I’m shameless about my love of sleep.