I’m really getting into the swing of this week off.  It’s the first time, in I can’t remember how long, when we haven’t had renos or travel on the agenda.  As a result, despite the inevitable Christmas shopping and calls from work, it has been very relaxing.  We tend to wake up around 8am, SO makes me a coffee, and we have something to eat.  I do a few housey things, maybe go shopping, then after lunch we have a nap together.  Then I usually crash for a few more hours while SO gets up and gets on the computer.  For dinner, we’ve been really naughty, and have been getting takeaway.  Tonight was pizza from the local pizza place, which is fantastic.

My brother came over last night.  He stayed for about an hour longer than he’d planned, as he was enjoying it so much, just kicking back and shooting the breeze with SO and me.  I gave him the pots and pans and silicone utensils, plus a couple of teatowels.  He was stoked, and favourably impressed with the utensils.  

It was funny, I was telling my brother last night about my stomach ulcer.  Anyhow, mid-morning today, my mum called, all worried.  The conversation went something like this:

Mum: Oh darling, A told me about your ulcer! I was so worried!

P: But I mentioned I had an ulcer on Saturday night, when we were all out at dinner together.

Mum:  You did, but I thought you meant a mouth ulcer!

I had a giggle over that.  Sure my pain threshold is pretty low, but it’s not quite that low.  Anyhow mum was concerned, but when I told her that the drugs were working really well and I feel fine now, she relaxed a bit.  She couldn’t talk for long but she did say that A was really happy with the cookware and utensils, so that was nice to hear.

I’ve been trying to get my blood test results from our local surgery.  I’ve been ringing up twice a day, just to be told ‘not in yet’.  Finally today the receptionist asked what the test was for, and I told her Helicobactor pylori.  Turns out they’re not usually ready for a whole week.  I guess at least I know now, right?

I managed to get a relatively early appointment with a doctor today at our local practice.  He wasn’t my normal, lovely GP, but the old guy they keep there to pick up the patient overflow.  By this stage, I didn’t care.  He seemed very perturbed that I thought I had an ulcer, and even more so when he found out I’d had one before.  After asking me a few questions,  he said, ‘Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll give you ulcer meds, if you get a blood test to confirm you actually do have Helicobactor pylori (the ulcer bug).’  Of course that was fine by me, so I agreed.  He was very concerned that I ‘appeared to have’ (his words) all the symptoms of an ulcer at my early age.  Apparently it’s incredibly rare to get ulcers in your 30s.  Who knew?!  Obviously not my gut, anyhow.

So I went along and got the blood test, and took the Somac (40mg) as soon as I got home.  I’ll find out for sure tomorrow whether I do actually have an ulcer or not.  The doctor did say that the meds he’d given me would only work for ulcers, and I already do feel much happier, so I’m really interested to see what the blood test shows. 

While I was out I also managed to pick up a cookware set and some silicone-covered utensils for my brother, A, who’s just bought his own place.  Of course, he doesn’t have a single thing, so he’s been the recipient (mainly from mum) of lots of stuff like sheets, towels, the whole bit.  I checked with him though and he didn’t have pots and pans, so I said I’d buy him a set.  They weren’t cheap, but they’re a reasonable brand (Wiltshire) plus they’re non-stick coated, which he wanted, so he should be happy with them.  The utensils are very cool, grey with apple-green accents.  I don’t know if A will like them, but I sure did.

SO and I are having a week off work.  We’re not really sure what we’ll be doing, but we know it won’t involve getting up at 6am.  Woohoo!

During the week we had tenants leave one of our units, and new ones move in.  As per usual, this involved us doing a fair amount of cleaning and various other things, like changing linen, etc.  Other than being tired, it all went fairly smoothly, and the tenants are happily moved in.  The lease is three months, with a possibility of a three-month extension.

What else has happened? SO and I went out to dinner with my mum and J, and my brother A last night.  A will be in Japan for Christmas so this was our little celebration.  We were at a very swish restaurant and J very kindly picked up the tab.  It was a really good night, and the best part was, we were home before 930pm, as we went to the early seating.  I suspect I’ve developed an ulcer, so I was pretty uncomfortable, but as it wasn’t too late a night it was okay.

Yes, I think I have a stomach ulcer.  The pain started on Friday morning and it’s been constant ever since.  I’m hoping I can get in to see the doctor tomorrow, as it’s really cramping my style, and I know that they can just give a course of antibiotics and it’ll be fine.  (I’ve had one before so I know the drill.)  The constant pain is making me very grumpy too, and it’s also preventing me from doing stuff, as it’s just so uncomfortable.  Still, it’s easily fixed.  I just need to see the quack.

Hmmm. I suspect I may be fighting off a bug.  All I’ve done today is sleep, pretty much.  Got woken up at 7:30am, asleep by 10:30am.  Woke up at 1pm, asleep by 4pm.  Woke up tonight and it was nearly 8:30pm.  Now, I’ve always loved my sleep, but even that is out of hand.  Still, it is the weekend, and if I don’t do much I suppose it’s not a crime, especially if I do fight off getting sick.  It would be great to know that my poor little immune system is making a comeback.

I had another appt with my pdoc, Dr W, this week.  As usual he was lovely.  He asked how the buspirone was going, and I told him I’m taking about 5×10mg tablets a week at the moment.  However the new reporting arrangements starting next week will put my anxiety to the test.  At this point he said he fully expects me to be taking 3×10mg tablets a day (aka the maximum dosage).  I laughed, then realised he wasn’t joking.  Sigh.

It amazes me how many articles on the internet discuss the impact of antidepressant meds during pregnancy and breastfeeding.  Not that it surprises me that expectant mothers get depressed; this seems a perfectly normal reaction.  (Does that make me weird?)  I understand succumbing to depression while pregnant.  What I struggle with, is people with a history of depression, who choose to go on to have children.

Okay, I admit here that I’m not the most maternal of females.  I suspect if I had my own children, that I would very well end up eating my young, for all the maternal feelings I have.  But truly, the thought of choosing to be pregnant and risking coming off/not being able to take antidepressants, and go through depression without that option, scares me.  I struggle to cope on meds; I can’t begin to imagine what life is like off them, especially when pregnant.

And then, you have the baby.  I would definitely need meds to deal with a crying, helpless little baby who can’t let you know what it needs.  Plus the interrupted sleep.  Oh god, just the thought of the bad sleep is enough to scare me off forever.  Tiredness is the number one trigger for me. 

It’s fine if the only real impact is on yourself.  I can be suicidal and know that my darling SO can still feed himself and go to work, and do everything he needs to.  A baby, on the other hand, needs a competent parent to survive.  And when I’m badly depressed, I can’t look after myself, let alone a poor little baby that didn’t ask to be born into this world to a suicidal mother.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not criticising women with a history of depression who choose to have children.  I actually think they’re about as brave as anyone I can think of.  It’s just I couldn’t do it, myself.  I’m just not strong enough.

I suppose the reason I’m thinking about this is because all my friends are pregnant at the moment.  I look at them and marvel.  And in the back of my head is a little voice that says, even if you wanted to go there and try it, you’re a good two years away from even being stable on your new drugs.  Thinking about having kids has been pharmaceutically pushed out by a significant time frame.  This doesn’t particularly worry me, but SO may well find it difficult to cope with when it occurs to him.  Poor darling, he loves kids.

So, yes.  Something else to ponder on.

So tired.  While I’m feeling better from the viral thing I had all week, I’m just so tired.  I have no idea why, either.  Last time I saw the doctor, he ordered blood tests for various things.  The test came back clear for everything.

At the same time, my depression is rearing its ugly head.  There are a few things going on at the moment which may be exacerbating my stress and causing it to play up.  We’re renovating one unit, and trying to find tenants for another.  Work is beyond belief in terms of how much stuff I have on my plate.  At home, our place is messy, needs a good clean, and it feels like it’s two steps forward, three steps back.  With all this going on, all I want to do is sleep for twenty hours a day.  Mmmm, sleep.

Today I actually felt other depression symptoms happening – mainly anxiety, feeling sick in the stomach from nerves (stress manifestation), and wanting to cry.  Not being able to read, as I couldn’t follow a train of thought.  Not being able to do simple stuff, like get up and take washing off the line.  Feeling overwhelmed.  I did feel better after a long afternoon nap of 4 hours, but I need to keep an eye on things.  Today reminded me how fragile my mental health really is – hanging by a thread.

As per usual, it’s been a busy week.  I’ve managed to catch the first flu bug of the season, according to my doctor.  It’s a bit different to the usual flu – it basically inflames the eustachian tube in the ear, causing it to hurt.  Plus there’s the usual aches and pains, tiredness, swollen glands, etc.  I must confess it’s pretty manageable as a bug, so I shouldn’t complain too much.

That said, I wasn’t delighted that I was sick again.  SO and I had the following exchange on the way to work:

SO:  What’s wrong baby?

Me:  Ugh, I’m sick again!!  I feel like I’m sick all the time.

SO (patting my knee consolingly):  That’s because you are, baby.

It wasn’t funny at the time, but I can see the humour in it now.

The renos are going reasonably well.  The bathroom tiling is finished, and it looks good.  We’re both happy with it, although it’s taken longer than we’d been told.  But as I said to SO, you have to expect both time and money blowouts with renos, and three extra days isn’t a huge amount in the scheme of things.  Next we need to get the cabinetmaker in to measure up for the bathroom cabinet.  I personally can’t wait until there’s a toilet in there again, it makes spending all day there so much easier.

It’s SO’s dad’s birthday tomorrow.  We’re having him and SO’s stepmum over for a cooked breakfast.  I’ve also taken it upon myself to make his favourite thing, date loaf.  I haven’t made it in ages (probably years) but I suddenly remembered today how much he liked it, so I thought I’d make it for him.  He’s done a huge amount for us with renovating both the current and previous projects, and he hasn’t been very well lately.  It seems his chronic fatigue has come back with a vengeance, poor thing.  That said, he’s still doing a lot of stuff to help us out, which we appreciate even while it makes us feel guilty.  So yes, tomorrow we’ll be having bacon, eggs, lightly fried mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, then french toast and pikelets for ‘dessert’.  It’ll be the works, and no one will need lunch.

That which you see above is what I ingest daily, in the interests of attaining (or maintaining) physical and mental health.

From left to right – the large horsepill is a women’s multivitamin; the small round beige tablet is an iron tablet; the two little white oval pills are my 40mg Lexapro; and the innocuous tiny little one on the far right is the pill.  Yes, the pill.  Specifically, Diane-35 ED, a high-estrogen formulation designed for women with adult acne and ‘hirsute women’.  Luckily, I take it for the adult acne side of things.  I control my moustache through regular shaving.  (Just joking, folks.)

The hideous looking witch’s brew at the top, which I use to skull it all down with, is a Berocca, original flavour.   Oddly enough, when it comes out the other end the colour is remarkably similar to it’s original shade of orange.  It’s interesting, in a gruesome kind of way.

So yes, this is my good start to every day, my breakfast, if you will, of life-giving medicines.  The wonders of modern science, huh?

I’m tired.  Very, very tired.  We’ve been flat out with the reno, which is going well.  I’ve been spending every day up a ladder, painstakingly plastering up the settlement cracks.  This is physically tiring, particularly for ‘Ms Desk Job’ here.  At the end of the day, when I start to get so tired I wobble on the ladder, I come down and pick another section of kitchen to disinfect.  Last night, I put in all the new kitchen handles; tonight, it was cleaning our ‘new’ (really, second hand, bought on eBay) fridge.

We go to Bunnings to get different bits and pieces, then head home and have dinner.  We talk about what else needs to be done, what order to do it in, and discussing different options we need to make decisions on.  Not long after that, we hit the sack.  I’d be tired if this was all there was to it; but it’s not. 

I’ve been waking up every night at around 3am, my brain racing and full of stuff that I need to remember.  I’ve tried going back to sleep but it hasn’t been working, so I’ve been getting up and surfing the net for a couple hours, just enough to switch off mentally and go back to bed, to get another couple of hours’ sleep.

Anyhow, as a result of all this, I’m just worn out.  Today I got up, had breakfast and a shower, and sat down to wait for SO to be ready to go to the unit.  SO came out of the bathroom and found me sleeping, sitting upright.  This never happens.  He sent me to bed, where I completely crashed for a couple of hours.  When I woke up, I was worn out, but it was manageable.  I then put in a full day at the reno, doing more patching.

However, things are going well.  I’ve managed to shake off a potential cold, which given how tired I’ve been, is nothing short of a miracle.  The reno is going to plan, and everything seems to be working out there.  SO is well, and he’s enjoying the reno work too.  He dug out a wooden cabinet from the bathroom wall today, which he hasn’t done before, and he did a really neat job.  So yes, it is all going well.  I’m just surprised at how tiring it all is.

<grits teeth and closes eyes tightly, trying not to throw a tantrum>

I’m sick.  Again.  It’s not anything major, by any means – just some kind of bug that isn’t really a cold, but isn’t really a flu.  Sore throat, fever, shivering, aches and pains.  And an increase in the general level of grumpiness.  It’s just frustrating.  I’ve had the last two days off work, and I had to go to the shops this morning.  After wandering around confusedly for about half an hour, I felt like the only thing holding me up was the trolley I was gripping.  Now I can see why old folks hang onto them with a death grip.  (Sorry, no pun intended there.)

In other news, the plans for the current reno are moving along.  We’ve decided to get some quotes for getting the bathroom tiles resurfaced.  This will basically give them a new colour (instead of dirty white wall tiles and, you guessed it, apricot floor tiles) and, as a bonus, it will seal any grout cracks.  This is great, as we do have some damage to the wall on the other side of the shower.  It’s also supposed to be a lot cheaper and a lot faster than getting new tiling done.  Sounds good to me.  SO has also agreed with me that we can get a new toilet.  For some reason, he wanted to hang onto the current apricot-coloured one.  I have no idea why, but he’s come around.