day twelve. grumpy.

Well, this sucks.

I’ve been doing okay with the med changes.  Some physical stuff, the nausea, the visual stuff, but okay.  However both last night and today, some of the emotional/mood stuff is rearing its head.  I’m getting vaguer, not remembering words for common things, and I have the horrible knotted stomach thing happening again.  And no matter what I do, I can’t relax it.  It really is a physical symptom, but I know it’s a manifestation of anxiety, which is a mood thing.  Ugh.  It sucks.

So I’m not at work today.  Great, my boss must be delighted.  I hate letting her down, she’s so fantastic to work for, and just a great person.  So yes, the self-esteem isn’t the best either.

On another note, we were sitting at the dining table this morning when I noticed a baby magpie in our backyard.  I could tell he was a baby as his black feathers are still grey.  He was wandering around, and not doing much flying (another indicator he’s only young).  Anyhow, when SO and I went outside, he ran over to us.  SO groaned – ‘God, he’s tame.  That doesn’t bode well for his long term survival!’  The dopey bugger was looking for some food, or some attention I guess.  Anyhow, I watered the front garden, and when I came back he was still waiting.  I had a chat with him while he looked at me hopefully, but I didn’t feed him.

He’s still out there, sitting on the washing line.  I think I’ll call him Dopey.

still not sure what’s happening

The title refers to yesterday’s post title.  I think I’m waving, at this stage.

Today I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist, which is (very fortunately for me) tomorrow afternoon.  Thank the gods for whoever cancelled their appointment.  I’m not looking forward to seeing him.  The last appointment I had, he basically said if my current dose (40mg lexapro) didn’t fix it all for me, that I’d need to try something else.  This, of course, means tapering off a (relatively) effective drug, and tapering onto something that may or may not work.  Fun times.

Luckily, today was so busy that I didn’t have any time to dwell on this.  Unfortunately, I spent all of it either dealing with the suicidal manager situation, or the potentially ‘going postal’ psychotic employee.  At least the day went quickly I guess!

So yes, another day survived.  I did something which was therapeutic when I got home, though.  I got into my daggy trackie pants and weeded the front garden bed for about an hour and a half.  I felt great at the end of it.  However the high had worn off by the time I had my shower and a big drink of water, so it’s not a permanent fix; but at least I felt good for that ninety minutes.  It was nice to have that tight fist of anxiety in the pit of my stomach relax for a while.  It’s back now, but I had a break from it, which was good.  I may have to garden every night after work, as a stress relieving tactic, weather permitting.

my job

I was inspired by this post, by the lovely Lola, to write about my own job.

I also work for a government department, which consists primarily of white male paramilitary activity.  I’d love to own up to the actual department, but it wouldn’t be advisable for my job health.  Anyhow, within this department, I officially resolve interpersonal issues.  Bullying, harassment, discrimination, victimisation, the whole bit.  In reality, most of my ‘clients’ come to me with interpersonal issues that don’t fall into any of these categories.  Typically, we’re talking personality clashes.

My role in all of this is to listen to both parties, try to resolve the issue/s informally through various means like mediation, etc, and if necessary, conduct formal investigations.  In order to actually get any resolution, I need to be able to correctly read highly stressed situations, and be able to respond in a way that will help achieve resolution.  I need the patience of Job, the observation skills of Patrick Jane, and the counselling skills of a clin psych, together with the ability to represent the organisation in a good light, even when its actions could be considered blatantly negligent. 

As a result of the confidentiality of my role, my knowledge of the organisation, and my friendship with the company’s psychologist, I’m often put in delicate situations. 

tuesday update

It already feels like a Friday, and it’s not even the middle of the week yet.

Both SO and I have been out of town.  SO went to a large country town for work, and I went to a small country town for the same reason.  He was lucky and got a flight; I drove.  The trip took me a fair bit longer than expected – I thought it was going to take two and a bit hours, and it actually took closer to three and a half.  (I wasn’t exactly restraining myself to the speed limit, either.)  Anyhow, I was there for an investigation, so I went straight to my first couple of interviews, which probably took about an hour and a half.  Afterwards, I booked into the hotel, called SO to let him know I was okay (and didn’t have mobile reception - thank God public phones do still exist, in regional areas, if nowhere else) and did the last interview.  I was completely knackered after all this, so I crashed for a good nap of about three hours or so.

I managed to wake up just before my alarm, so I threw on some clothes and decided to get a meal.  The hotel has both a front bar and a restaurant, which are connected, so I decided I’d go into the bar first, and if it looked okay I’d eat there.  If not, there was always the restaurant.  Anyhow, I walked into the bar through the side entrance, and it was like a scene from a movie.  Specifically, Deliverance.  All the guys in the bar turned and looked at me with deep suspicion.  Even the boys cheering on the sport on the wide screen stared at me like I was visiting from outer space.  I swear I could hear what they were thinking: ‘She ain’t from ’round these parts’.  It probably didn’t help that they all looked like they were from the same family, either.  (Okay, maybe I’m stereotyping here, but not by much.)

Picking up on the vibe, I decided to eat in the restaurant.  I thought I’d spoil myself, so I ordered the grilled crayfish (lobster).  After an hour (!) it came out of the kitchen, overcooked to within an inch of its (former) life.  It also had a distinct tang to it.  I was eating it and thinking, that’s all I need – a case of food poisoning in a little country town.  Yuck.  Still, it was edible, and it was relatively inexpensive.  I love crayfish, so even though it wasn’t the best I’d eaten, it tasted pretty okay.  And the good news was, I didn’t get food poisoning, so that was a bonus.

I woke up at 7:30am this morning, got ready, and checked out.  I went to visit the local shops, where I found the town bakery.  The food looked great, so I picked up some breakfast (a custard tart – yum!) and a large iced coffee, and I started on my way back to Perth. 

I remembered to get the car washed on the way back (I took a work one) and even filled up with fuel.  I went past home on the way and unloaded everything, then went into work.  By this point I had a splitting headache – I think it was the light glare shining off the roads for hours on end – so SO took me home, whereupon I crashed again.

It feels like the last couple of days have been very long ones.  Interviewing people is hard work – it demands your full concentration and really sucks your energy levels.  Plus, the driving was tiring.  However, I did enjoy the trip, I liked the autonomy, and it was very interesting.  Also, I’d never been to this particular town before, so that was good too, not that I had much of a chance to look around.  I missed SO, too - it was the first time in the five years we’ve been together that we didn’t talk to each other for more than a day.  (I had got his message bank when I rang him, so we didn’t have a conversation.)  Altogether, it’s good to be back home.

tmi

Warning: this post contains discussion of menstrual issues.  Feel free to pass.

Sigh.  I can see it’s going to be one of those weeks.

I’ve been horribly premenstrual for the last few days, and it came to a head last night.  I was in an evil mood.  Realising this, I decided to say as little as possible (having been there before, I know I tend to be beyond horrible whenever I speak when I’m like this) in order to spare SO from some of the pain.  Unfortunately he saw I wasn’t talking much and asked if anything was wrong.  This, of course, gave me the perfect excuse to snarl, ‘No, everything is fucking fantastic!!‘.  The scene ended up with me in tears and SO with the look of a rabbit caught in a car’s headlights.  Not the best evening for either of us.  I apologised profusely and went to bed early, as I couldn’t stand myself any longer.

Cut to this morning.  I woke up with the kind of cramps that make you wonder if something is actually disembowelling you.  When I worked out this wasn’t the case, I realised that work was not on the cards.  SO very kindly got me a hot water bottle, a glass of milk and a panadeine forte, which helped to zonk me out until about midday.  I’m not feeling the best tonight, but my mood is substantially improved, for which my poor long-suffering husband is grateful.

The only thing I can put all this down to is the problems we’re still having with the unit we’re buying.  Settlement has been delayed a week, and we think the bank have lost our loan application documents for the second time.  It’s getting beyond ridiculous.  To be honest, because it’s been such a drawn out process (we put in our offer in March!), I’ve lost interest.  Still, final pre-settlement inspection is this Friday, so hopefully I’ll get excited again when I see it.

assorted blahblah

Wow, Wednesday night already! 

The weekend was good.  We had a wedding on Sunday, which resulted in us taking public transport home, and much stumbling on my part.  I blame that tenth champagne.  Monday (which was a public holiday) was spent in bed, feeling like I’d been kicked in the stomach by a donkey.  Otherwise, no harm done.

Some fantastic news – my friend M confessed that she’s eight weeks pregnant.  She actually told me at the reception, when I picked she wasn’t drinking.  After what happened last year, I’m just over the moon.  And as M said, she and her sister L will be having their babies at the same time, which will be a great support for both of them.  So that was an extra reason to celebrate.

This week has been beyond busy.  I’m doing my Certificate IV in Workplace Training and Assessment, which will enable me to formally deliver registered training packages.  It’s dry, fairly boring, and a lot of work.  Bad combination.  We have to do a 15 minute talk on Friday.  Basically we have to teach the group something.  I wouldn’t say I’m dreading it, but certainly I’m not looking forward to it.  Plus, I haven’t started actually preparing it yet.  I suspect I’m going to be doing a rush job tomorrow night.

m.i.a.

Wow, I’ve been in absentia for what feels like ages.  As you may have guessed, there’s been lots happening.

Most of the empty gaps in my mind have been taken up with our new property.  We signed the paperwork for the financial side of things on Tuesday, so now we just have to wait to see when the property valuations are going to happen, then see if we get our finance approved.  Our mortgage broker isn’t concerned, so we’re assuming it’s all going to be fine.  As a result, I’ve been scouring ads for furniture – beds, wardrobes, chests of drawers,  a fridge, you name it.  This is one of the fun parts of buying property for me – it enables my bargain hunting fetish to be used to its fullest extent.

We’ve also been informed of our tax return outcomes.  We’re in luck – our combined return will mean we can pay my mum back, and still have a little bit left over.  This is fantastic, and has been a huge weight lifted off our minds.  I took my coworker P out to lunch to celebrate when I found out on Friday (SO was already eating lunch with his work friends, so he wasn’t an option).  Yay for tax refunds!!

Work has been interesting.  There’s going to be a review of my section, and the broader ‘corporate services’ area (read: HR).  We’re even going to be able to give our opinions on how we think the restructured section should look like.   Fortunately it’s not going to mean any job losses, just reshuffling of positions.  Basically, I don’t really care what happens to where my position sits; as long as I don’t have to work with my former boss, I’m happy.  If I end up reporting to her, I’ll have to leave the organisation.  But at this point, I’m not panicking.

Healthwise, all is going well.  I’ve kept healthy since coming off the ciprofloxacin, so that’s just great news.  I realised the other day that I’d been sick for over two months.  That’s ridiculous!!  I’m so glad that something finally worked.   I’ve also been eating healthily and watching portion sizes.  It’s paying off, slowly but surely.  I’m actually wearing some size 14 (Australian) pants again.  This is a freaking miracle.  Also, people at work have been complimenting me.  They’ve noticed that I’m looking more trim.  I like it, my face is actually attractive when I’m an okay weight.  (Current BMI is 26.1, so I’m still carrying a  bit, but it’s dropped from 27.8, so I’m happy.)  If I can keep this up for another five or so kilos, I’ll be at a weight which makes me more or less happy.

On other health news, I have no idea how I’ve done it, but I’ve managed to rick my back.  I was fine when I got up this morning; fine surfing on the net, fine when I sat down to eat breakfast.  When I got up from breakfast, THE PAIN THE PAIN THE PAIN – my back spasmed and I felt sick.  It’s still so sore, and it still feels like it’s spasming.  I can’t turn my head properly, or bend down.  I have no idea what I’ve done, but I’m sorry!!!  I’m on ibuprofen, and trying to keep my back warm, and I’m hoping it’ll be better by tomorrow – I’m not skipping work for this (it’s not quite that bad) and I also have to go to mum’s for dinner (it’s the anniversary of my dad’s death, and we’re going to scatter his ashes).  Oh well, as long as it stays like this, it’ll be manageable.  If anyone has any tips for this kind of thing, they’re most welcome!

property investment/more study

Wow. Sorry about the hiatus.  There’s been a fair bit going on in one way or another, so life has been pretty busy.  We’re discussing (yet) another potential property purchase; SO has stipulated that he’s only interested if it’s cash flow positive.  This has meant that I’ve been doing some fairly serious sums, together with my own cost/benefit analysis of this week’s property options.

I’ve also just started considering studying part-time.  I’ve found a couple of providers which would enable me to do the majority of study at home (sorry, I mean over the internet) to get a counselling qual that is recognised by the Australian national body of counsellors.  It would only cost about $3500 total, which is cheap, compared to going back to uni, and if I was really keen I could get it done in two years part-time.  It would give me an unrestricted license, with two specialisations (at this stage I’m looking at interpersonal relationships and workplace counselling as the areas of specialisation), which would mean that once qualified, I could practice without a supervisor, open my own business, etc.  This is all very much appealing.  Nothing like an extra string to my bow in terms of earning $$.  Plus, if we ever did have spawn, it would fit in perfectly with working from home on a limited basis.

The more I think about it, the more appealing it becomes.  Now I just have to see if I can find the $150/month over two years that’s needed.

I discussed it with SO and he’s supportive.  I guess now I have to weigh up the pros and cons, look at the  money side of things, then become a pair of Nike trainers and Just Do It.

There’s some pretty full-on decisions we’ll be making over the next few days.  Wish us luck.

any help is much appreciated

I love my job.  And at times, I hate it.

I love being able to help people.  I seem to have a strong natural ability to read people.  I can tell if they’re lying, genuine, hiding something, if there’s more to the story. I can feel compassion for just about anybody.  I also know that there’s no black and white, only shades of grey.  This makes it easy to help sort out interpersonal issues, which is my job.

On the other hand, I’m an introvert.  (For those of you who are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I’m an INFJ - another reference is here).  I love listening to, and helping people, but it exhausts me. It’s a paradox.

Today I spent all day listening to people, all of whom had problems of varying magnitudes.  When I’m listening, I am an active listener.  I ask questions, I watch body language, I seek out details that the person may have glossed over accidentally or intentionally, I take notes.  I don’t notice it at the time, but afterwards, I feel like a light bulb that’s been producing huge amounts of light and heat, which has been switched off.  I feel drained, and my brain is normally teeming with the different issues raised, and the best way to approach them.

So yes, I spent pretty much all of today doing this.  I’m tired.  I can see how people can burn out from this kind of job.  I’m just not sure at this point, how to prevent this huge energy drain that happens.  If you know of any resources which address this, I’d really appreciate a head’s up.

weekend stuff

I ended up having a pretty good weekend.  I felt better (yay!) and got a fair bit of stuff done.  I even cooked dinner both nights, a major accomplishment.

I went shopping on Saturday, buying a few more bits and pieces for the Christmas appeal, and also picking up a couple of things for SO – a pale blue casual shirt, and some ‘lounge pants’ (I call them pyjama pants, but whatever).  He was delighted with them, which was nice.

Sunday I spent most of the day in the garden.  I weeded the front lawn and the front garden beds, and I even sprayed the rogue lawn that had seeded in the garden.  (It’s far too hardy to just be pulled up, it needs chemicals, unfortunately.)  The back lawn and garden still need a fair bit of work, but at least the part the neighbours see is respectable.  In amongst this I did about six loads of washing.

While I was gardening, SO vacuumed the whole house, and gave it a real spring clean.  He even rearranged the furniture in the family room area.  I’m the kind of person who could have it the same way for my whole life and not think about it, but every so often he likes to move things around a bit.  Anyhow I came in from outside, and I was pleasantly surprised by the new configuration.  And also the fact the house had actually been vacuumed.

So yes, a good weekend. 

Being back at work was a funny feeling.  I just came in and put my head down, and before I knew it, it was lunchtime, and then time to leave.  If only every day went so quickly!  I celebrated by coming home and having a three-hour nap.  I woke up at about 9pm, had some food, and now I’m relaxing, waiting for my antibiotic to be absorbed, before I go back to bed.  Yes, I’m shameless about my love of sleep.