As you may have guessed from recent posts, I deal with issues that arise at my work.  Fixing problems, resolving grievances, whatever you want to call it.  I guess I’m Ms Fixit, which is fine by me.

Contrary to what you may think, I actually do enjoy my job.  I get asked a lot, ‘How on earth can you do this job all day?!’  There are two answers to this.  I usually give the first, as it’s more friendly:

1. If somebody comes to me with a problem, it’s not just me listening to you about the problem; I have the authority (most of the time) to go ahead and do whatever is needful to fix it for you.  Therefore, I’m not just a listener; I can actually change things for the better.  This makes people happy (or at least, happier than they were).

Nice response, isn’t it? Friendly.  I am here to fix YOUR problems, oh yes.  Ms Fixit, that’s me.

Answer number 2 is less customer-focused, but it’s also the truth:

2.  Listening to your problems makes mine look like peanuts in comparison.  Sure, I have a debilitating mental illness that will probably be chronic, and a mother who is less than perfect.  But I’m not crying over a thoughtless Secret Santa gift.  This job reminds me again and again that I do have a sense of humour, and perhaps more importantly, a sense of perspective.  I also get fairly continual reinforcement that my social skills are reasonably okay.  Of course, this could be something to do with the issues that people bring to me to sort out, and that these people typically have the socialisation of a dandruff-covered rodent.

I am genuinely concerned about people’s welfare.  Even the most trivial of issues means something to the person who brought it to me, otherwise they wouldn’t have bothered.  But I also get plenty of laughs from it, and a healthy sense of what really matters.

Lots has been going on.  Most importantly, my friend L and her husband had a baby boy last Monday!  I didn’t find out until Thursday morning, when L’s sister M sent me an email with some pictures.  L had an emergency caesarian, but apparently it went okay.  The baby is adorable, at least according to the pictures.  I wanted to go and visit, but L’s having problems with breastfeeding, so I said I’d wait until things have settled down a bit.

I managed to have a minor prang on the weekend.  Long story short, I backed into SO’s dad’s trailer.  Yay me.  I spent the rest of the afternoon alternately crying and sleeping.  Hey, crying is tiring.  Fortunately SO assures me he still loves me.  There isn’t any damage to the trailer, and the car is still relatively okay (and definitely fine to drive) which is good.  It definitely put a blight on the weekend though.

In work news, I had somebody come to see me today to complain about a senior manager taking credit for their work.  They have the sent email and everything, which had their own work attached to it.  The doc that went up to the head of the organisation had someone else’s name on it, and that’s the version on file.  This person is really upset, needless to say.  What I can do about it, I don’t know.

It’s not often that I talk about work.  This is for a number of reasons.  Firstly, I work for an organisation which would have a conniption if it was discovered I outlined my work life on the internet.  Second, as the person who deals with internal complaints, the majority of my stuff is highly confidential.  Thirdly, if I ever decide to murder my boss and hide the evidence, I don’t want this blog contradicting my version of events.

Today, however, deserves a post.  Today was incredibly full on, and incredibly dispiriting.

I had training.  Not training I was participating in; this is training I developed specifically for the organisation, and am in the process of delivering to all 1,300 employees, including regional staff.  I wasn’t delivering it today, but I was supervising my junior colleague while she delivered it.  I also got to answer the tough questions, which was fine, and that was one of the reasons I was there.  However I’ve always found training incredibly tiring, I think because I’m your standard introvert type, and today was no different, even though I wasn’t actually doing the delivery myself.

In addition, I had two meetings which bookended the training – one was an hour long, the other an hour and a half.  There were tears, threats, swearing, you name it.  At one point one person looked at me and asked tearfully, ‘Will I lose my job over this?’  No, no you won’t.  The last person who got sacked from my organisation had a criminal conviction for drugs.  Not possession, though.  Dealing.  So no, you’re not going to lose your job.

Following this, I went back to my office, only to hear that my boss is considering releasing names of people who’ve raised complaints in the last year to the senior management team.  Ummm……I can’t think of a single reason why this would need to happen.  Breach of confidentiality, anybody?  Unfortunately, witchhunts aren’t limited to happening in Salem in the 17th century.  They occur daily in corporate Australia, I can assure you.  And that’s without the benefit of knowing the names of people who’ve raised grievances.  I’ve always known my boss has the moral compass of a decomposing dog turd, but this really takes the cake.

Sometimes I hate the organisation I work for.  Today is one of those days.  And I suspect that tomorrow will be another one.

Thank god for Buspar™, that’s all I can say.

It’s been a good week. I haven’t needed anti-anxiety drugs since Wednesday, even though I delivered training yesterday to a group of employees.  And of course, Wednesday was our anniversary   I got SO a leather wallet by Hugo Boss, and he got me a rose bush.  Not just any rose bush – it’s called Petrona.  How’s that for smooth?!  Plus I got a beautiful card and a gorgeous flower arrangement at work, which everyone admired.  I’m a very lucky girl.

It’ll be a relatively busy weekend.  I’m looking after Mum’s dog, as she and J are away at the moment.  I’ll be dropping the dog off to Mum’s friend tomorrow, so it’s a temporary arrangement only.  Other than that, I need to get some descaling stuff to our tenants with the washing machine problem, and I’m meeting up with my friend S on Sunday for croissants and coffee.  Yum.

…we got married. Happy anniversary to us!

I’m so lucky.  I have the best husband in the whole world.  Even though my mental health has been an issue for longer than our marriage, he has always been there for me, supporting me and doing everything he can to help things be better.  He is wonderful. 

::love::

It’s hard to believe that it’s already Sunday night.  The weekend has flown by, not that it feels like we’ve done much.  Apart from the usual cooking and cleaning, I did make a couple more pillowslips.  SO has a big wavy pillow, so no normal slip fits it, and I like satin pillowslips as they’re more gentle on my hair.  I’ve made these for ages, pretty much as long as we’ve been together, and I really like them.  SO doesn’t care either way, of course, typical guy.

I had bought some beautiful very pale blue charmeuse, so I whipped a couple of pillowslips up out of that.  Combined with our new doona cover, it’s completely changed the look of our bedroom.  Nice and summery.  SO, god love him, didn’t notice until I asked him what he thought. <rolls eyes>

We spent today gardening.  Now that the front garden is looking better, I attacked the back garden, in particular the little narrow alley around next to the laundry and main bathroom.  I think I’ve got rid of all the big weeds, so there’s just some more finicky weeding that needs to happen.  While I was doing this, SO was spraying our lawn for bindii, a horrible bright-green, prickly little bugger of a weed.  Hopefully that will get rid of it all, it sticks in your bare feet and hurts.  SO did say he wants some plumbago plants down the alleyway again, as there were some there previously, which I transplanted out to the front.  Apparently SO’s missing their flowers when he’s in the bathroom (white and blue, with profuse evergreen foliage).

I”ve been trying to keep an eye on my anxiety, so I have something to report when I next see Dr W on the 25th.  There seems to be a pattern, whereby every second day my anxiety is bad enough that I’m taking either 5mg or 10mg of buspirone (Buspar).  Even as I write this, I’m tossing up whether to take one or not; my anxiety is very high, probably because tomorrow is the start of the work week.  I do try to use the normal relaxing techniques I’ve used all my life, before resorting to meds.  I distract myself, I consciously relax my stomach muscles, I relax my shoulders, and I breathe deeply and meditate.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work.  Hence the meds, I guess.

Well, maybe calling it a new adventure is a bit much.  It’s more a key milestone along the way of the same adventure we’ve been on for a couple of years now.  We’ve done up a website, advertising our short term rental properties.

There are a few reasons why we decided to go ahead with a website.  Firstly, any advertising is good advertising.  A presence on the internet is a good way to get the word out about what we do, and how we do it.   Secondly is the ability to put up any amount of detail.  As the properties include everything, this means it can all be listed out.  Finally is the ability to put up as many pictures as we like.  As our properties are really nice, the more photos the better.

So yes, we have a website.  In order to remain anonymous, I’m not going to link to it here, but it is out there on the interwebs, as they say, and it’s becoming a wholly diverting interest.  Every day I come home and check the statistics as to who has visited it, and we’re slowly starting to get enquiries through.  It’s all very exciting.

I love Halloween.  In the southern hemisphere, it’s actually springtime, and the days are getting longer and warmer.  In our neighbourhood, kids go trick or treating, even though it’s a USA tradition, and they’re all excited.  We always make sure we have lots of treats.  SO and I actually were out weeding the front lawn this afternoon, so we got to see all the kids go past, which was great fun.  Plus, it made the time pass a bit quicker.  Weeding the lawn is up there with ironing; it’s a boring task that has to be done.  We’re about halfway there, which is good, as SO’s dad is going to spray the lawn on Monday.

I always make a special dinner for Halloween.  For us it’s Beltane, so we always have a celebration of the season.  Tonight I did roast beef striploin, which had been marinaded, for one and a half hours at 180 degrees C, with roast vegies.  It was absolutely spot on, the meat was pink and tender and delicious.  SO cleared his plate without saying a word, always a good sign.  It’s nice when everything all seems to work when you’re cooking.  Roasts of any description are a bit hit and miss with me, I did a lamb roast the other week and SO was not happy with how pink the lamb was.  It was fine, but he didn’t like it, and I hate having to convince people to eat my food. 

Anyhow, today was a good day.  As well as weeding, I returned a heap of stuff to Ikea, Target, Kmart, Spotlight – all stuff I’d bought at different points which had been the wrong colour, size, shape, you name it.  And I managed to get to Medicare to get some money back from my appt with Dr W, which I then promptly spent on some new tee shirts for me, and a new casual shirt for SO.  I also fit in an afternoon nap, always a priority on the weekend.

I picked up the buspirone tablets on Thursday night and gave them a try on Friday.  While the 5mg helped, I can see I’ll need the 10mg dose.  That’s fine, at least I know now what I’ll need.  And the good thing is it really doesn’t impact on anything else.  No side effects to speak of.  I was still alert and didn’t feel nauseous or anything.  So far, I’m liking them.  I even took one yesterday afternoon before leaving work, as I was feeling sick with stress and wanted to help wind down for the weekend.  It definitely helped.  Today, I feel absolutely fine.  Not stressed at all.  It’s pretty clear that work is the issue, but at least I am able to leave it behind on weekends.

As far as I know, no plans for tomorrow, other than more gardening.  I love getting out there, it’s so satisfying.

So, saw my psychiatrist today.  I’ve worked out why he’s always so happy to see me – he knows he’ll be getting $240 per visit from me.  Crap, I could’ve bought so much stuff with that money…still, it wouldn’t sort out my mental health issues.

Dr W and I agreed that the fluoxetine seems to be working reasonably well.  However, my anxiety is getting out of control.  I know exactly why, it’s because my manager is coming back from leave.  I’ve only had limited contact with her so far, but that’s been enough to send my anxiety levels skyrocketing.  I explained the situation, and asked Dr W if upping the fluoxetine dose would help at all.   He said that it wouldn’t make a difference, but he said that buspirone would sort out the anxiety.

Apparently there are a number of good things about buspirone.  It’s non-addictive.  It works quickly – almost like panadol – and you can take it up to three times a day, depending on how your anxiety is going.  It doesn’t need to be taken every day, just as needed.  And as a bonus, Dr W said that he prescribes it as the preferred anxiolytic (anxiety-reducing) drug for professionals, as it doesn’t alter cognitive function.  So it won’t turn me into a drooling, sleepy paperweight at work, which is ideal for me.  By this point in the discussion, I was jumping out of my chair to get some.  Well maybe not exactly jumping, but I’d stopped crying, which had to be a good sign.

Anyhow, I have the script in my hot little hand, and I’ve got my local pharmacy to order it in.  Apparently it’s a reasonably rare drug, only prescribed by psychiatrists, so pharmacies don’t normally stock it.  And it is expensive – even after my private health rebate, it’s $40 a month.  Still, as I said to Dr W, what price mental health?  I’d pay three times that if it worked and helped me to function like a normal human being again.

My appointment was early and I went straight home afterwards, so I decided to be a good wife and actually cook dinner for a change.  When SO got home I was making spaghetti bolognese (yes, again).  He asked me how it went with Dr W, so I told him everything that happened.  He didn’t say anything but he came up behind me and hugged me as I stirred the pasta.  Poor darling, he’s worried about me.

Okay, I’ve been neglectful again.  I’m sure this comes as no surprise to regular readers.

I’m going okay on the meds.  Up to 30mgs, as of last Monday, so six days now.  Haven’t noticed the increased dosage has made much of a difference, though.  Maybe I need to up it to 40mgs?  Who knows.  In any case, I’m seeing my pdoc on Wednesday, so I can check with a medical professional, rather than guesstimate it myself. 

I’m noticing that while I do still get stressed on fluoxetine, more so than escitalopram, I do have more energy.  I’m not needing a sleep after work every day, or at lunch time.  I’m not needing a nap on weekends.  Today, for example, I was up at 7am, spent all morning running around doing shopping etc, then gardened all afternoon.  I did have a nap, but only for an hour, and I got up and cooked a real dinner (spaghetti bolognese) afterwards.  This is waaaay more energetic than I ever was on the escitalopram.  So yes, my need for sleep has quietened to a dull roar.  While it may still sound like I still need too much sleep, I should point out that I’ve always, always loved my naps, and needed lots of sleep.  With the fluoxetine my need for sleep is about right for me, pre-depression.  So I’m guessing that’s a good thing.

So yes, we spent some time in the garden today.  SO’s stepmum and I planted out a front garden bed, while SO and his dad got some mulch and spread it over the rest of the front garden beds.  It’s amazing how much better the place is looking!  We’ve spent at least one day for the last four or five weekends out there, weeding, planting, fertilising, and hacking back plants.  It’s starting to show - everything looks great.  It makes me really happy to see the gardens looking respectable. 

Things are generally going well, I guess.  While my moods are smoothed out, I’m functioning at a higher level on a daily basis, which is good.  And who knows, an increase in my fluoxetine dose might be just enough to really hit the spot.